NedNotes (not blog): 12 days of X-mas, a revision

 


 

December 25, 2020

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real
Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.
Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

My love always,
Agnes

========================================================
December 26, 2020

Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine
two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.

All my love,
Agnes

=========================================================
December 27, 2020
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just
darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

All my love,
Agnes

=========================================================
December 28, 2020

Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really,
they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are
being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes

==========================================================
December 29, 2020

Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden
rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,
Agnes

========================================================
December 30, 2020

Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese
laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh?
These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors
are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,
Agnes

========================================================
December 31, 2020

John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a
swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all
over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night
and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking  birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes

=========================================================
January 1, 2020

O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do
with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8
maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure
all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off  me, smartass.

Agnes

=========================================================
January 2, 2020
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing
those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are
getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds.
What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to  evict me.

You'll get yours !
Agnes

==========================================================
January 3, 2020

You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call
those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long.

Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is
a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to
give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm calling the police on you !

Agnes

=========================================================
January 4, 2020

Listen Fuckhead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and
ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers
ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows.
All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to
death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes

=========================================================
January 5, 2020

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers  fiddling
which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should
come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss
McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been
instructed to shoot you on sight.

With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,
Law Offices of
Badger, Bender and Chole

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